Hi there! Thank you so much for stopping by this, my first ever blog. It is with great pleasure that I share with you that I have outgrown this space and needed to create a new one. Please find me at embracethebeautifulmess.com I’ll meet you there!
Chaotic Jumble of Words
Sometimes people think that writers often spend a lot of time well… writing. That the words just flow out of our fingers at rapid fire. Let me tell you that is not always true. Sometimes we have the thoughts and ideas and can even visualize what we want to say, but there are too many words all jumbled up and flying through our minds. Imagine having a ton of sugar you are trying to pour into a funnel. There comes a point that there are too many granules of sugar fighting to get through the funnel that the funnel gets clogged and the sugar stops flowing. Or you can imagine an episode of the Three Stooges when they all try to walk through the door at the same time…it just doesn’t work.
Writing is a bit of a similar situation. You have a thought or idea, toss it around in your head a bit, process it, then it funnels through the channels in your head, down through your arm, into your fingers, through the pen and onto the paper.
Well, for me the words have been there, the thoughts and ideas are present as well, but they are stuck in the funnel. So I’m still mulling them over, doing a lot of processing and praying in order to unclog the doorway and get the words flowing again.
Thank you for continuing to check in here. I appreciate your support of this little blog.
Please feel free to comment and let me know if there is anything you would like to hear more of or even less of.
Thanks again for your time…
In The Name of Transparency
So, I’m about to get real…I mean REAL with y’all because I don’t want to be one of those people who share that they struggle with anxiety and depression yet post happy, perfect pictures that portray no struggles at all. So in the name of transparency, I want to share with you what it looks like when I am struggling.
My anxiety is through the roof. Anything that is out of order, piles of laundry, my unmade bed, dishes to be put away, dust in my dining room, the box of chips stored on top of the refrigerator, everything just makes it worse.
My friends want to hang out and go to dinner, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have dinner with people who are successful in all the areas that I feel like I am failing. I can’t process the chatter in the restaurant, the words, the noises, and I can’t pretend to be ok right now…I’m not ok!
I feel fat and gross and want to crawl out of my own skin. I feel like a horrible person, wife and mom who can’t get her shit together, like I’m bringing everyone around me down. I feel defeated, lost, and worthless, yet loved at the same time.
Remington is worried and knows something is off so is following me around.
My depression makes me just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I don’t know how long this will last, hopefully I can force myself to shower and go to bed early, get up and walk in the morning, back to my schedule and maybe that will help….but for now I sit here and cry not knowing what to do with myself.
This has been my struggle for the last few months. I would have moments of focus, of happy, of accomplishment. It wouldn’t last… wouldn’t “stick”.
I am here. I may be on wobbly legs, but I’m here, I’m standing, sort of, and using all the tools I have to walk through this valley.
Win a Starbucks Gift Card!!
Who wants to win a Starbucks Gift Card just for answering a question???
Here’s the question….
If an average pen writes 50,000 words, keeping in mind that I work in a high school office writing A LOT of notes, how many purple pens did the 2018-2019 school year consume?
That’s it…it’s that simple! Post your guess here and on July 3, I will announce the correct answer. What better way to start a Wednesday than with a Starbucks gift card?!
Since I shared my word for the year, I thought I should post updates on how I have used it to impact my life each month.
During this first month of 2019, I tried to push myself outside of my comfort zone. So I wrote an article and submitted it to a new magazine. I have searched out writing gigs, submitted a few proposals and am currently developing a list of questions to ask myself to try to dig a little deeper.
I know this may not sound like a lot, but I feel like I did leap even if just a little.
How did you do with your word in the first month of the year?
On The Road
Packed up the shop, the dog, a few necessities from the house, and we are off in one of our rocket ships with two more in tow.
We are off to Salem, Oregon to race at an indoor track. It’s not your conventional family road trip, but it’s ours and I love it! The only bummer for me is that Tucker couldn’t come this time.
I grew up road tripping and we did a lot of it with our boys when they were little, so there is something kind of special about packing up the truck and hitting the road.
We got a couple of Go Pro cams for Christmas, this will be our first run with them so stay tuned for race updates, bloopers and outtakes…if nothing else it will probably be a good laugh.
Songs of the Wind
It’s late in the evening which means my house is quiet. I love this time of day because I feel like I have the opportunity to pause. I have to take the time to be still, to process my day, and often times listen to the songs that creation is singing.
This is the season of storms of many kinds. We live in a diverse place that provides a variety of storms. This time of year they vary dramatically.
This evening, I’m laying in bed, listening to the music of a windstorm out of the south. I can hear it coming up the valley and field between our house and the neighbor’s house. As it moves closer I can hear the trees on the edge of our property begin to dance. The wind then seems to swirl, almost like a dancer twirling in an elegant dress. Moving through the trees closer to our house, the trees sing louder and dance wildly, I believe giving their praises to our creator.
Oh how I love to listen to the song of a windstorm and watch the trees dance in reverence to the Lord.
How about you, do you love a good windstorm? What do you think of and how does it make you feel?
Word for 2019
I am sure you all have been on pins and needles wondering what my word for 2019 would be. Well, I didn’t chose either of the words I had previously posted about. Again, I overthink everything, so I will share some of my thoughts.
Bold is something I have been for a while, it just took a friend to remind me of that. Fly, that was a little harder of an analysis because I so love that quote and the picture says so much. There was just something that wasn’t feeling right about it. I prayed about it, and realized weather I fly or fall, I first have to leap.
On this journey, I will both fly and fall. That’s just part of life. I do know that if I just stand on the edge though, I will do neither. I also live with the assurance that my life is in God’s hands so even when I fall, He will catch me. I just have to leap.
2019 Word Progress
In October I posted about choosing a word for each year. Did you read it? If not, go back and check it out. I’ll wait here. Oh hey, you’re back. What did you think? Do you do something similar?
As we are wrapping up the last few days of 2018, I think I have a word in mind for 2019. I have to admit that I’m waffling a bit though. I tend to overthink everything. With this in particular, I want to make sure I represent the word well. I also want it to challenge me a little, make me grow in areas I wouldn’t have necessarily thought I needed to .
In 2019, I want to really put myself out there with my writing. I want to jump, take a flying leap. A leap of faith that is. My scars are worn proudly because I have fought long and hard to be the woman I am today. I have a voice and it needs to be heard. I have a story that needs to be told. If you know me, you know that I tend to be a little timid at first. Once I get comfortable though, watch out.
I saw a picture with a quote by Erin Hanson. It immediately resonated with me and I had to share it here. Not only did the quote touch me but the image of this angel as well. This beautiful angel looks as though she is fresh from a battle. Her clothes are dirty and worn, her hand looks to be wrapped with a dingy, makeshift bandage, even her wings look a little tattered. She could easily represent my spirit. The demons I have fought, and won, have given me more than freedom. These victories have sparked a fire within my soul to use my voice to help others fight their demons, win their battles, and wear their scars proudly.
What are the words I am waffling between? One is “fly” like the quote above. The other is “bold” like being confident and courageous. What are your thoughts on this topic? What are your opinions of my word? If you picked a word, what is it?
Stay tuned here to find out which word I decide to pursue in the new year.
I dream of sharing the wisdom I have gained through trials and errors, by writing my stories. With the hope it will somehow help someone through trials of their own. Lord knows I have had many mountain top moments, as well as deep, dark valleys.
When I see that written down, or tell someone that I have that aspiration, I feel like I’m not good enough. Then the thoughts in my head begin to swirl to consciousness. “Who do you think you are? You’re a writer, oh what a joke. Do you really think you have enough talent to write something that will inspire or even help someone else?” I battle these thoughts, and others much worse, every day. Not just the writing part, but who would want to read my story? How would I even go about writing my story let alone get it published and out to the world?
I have a blog that I post to, but it’s not well known. Several of my articles have been published on the Grit and Grace Project website. These don’t feel like enough, you know, like there is more for me to be doing. I just don’t know what steps to take next. It’s also hard to keep moving forward when all my articles and posts have been written on my iPad or phone.
My family knows my dream, I’m kind of vocal about it at home, and they have been supportive of me. Somewhere in the back of my mind though I thought they may have just been humoring me, not really buying in to this writing business. Especially since several members of my family, including one immediate member, have yet to read anything I have written. However, actions speak louder than words, and for Christmas my husband gave me a gift worth more to me than the price he paid for it. He bought me a laptop. Through this gesture, he told me that he really does, and just how much he supports this dream of mine.
It’s one thing to have a dream and believe that it is possible, even if you don’t know how it’s going to come to fruition. To have someone believe in your dream, and that you can accomplish it, that my friend is priceless.
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